How can a person with two umbrellas, whose movement has largely been restricted to where those umbrellas are, continue to get caught up in the rain?
The story I want to write is as much for me as it is for you. Before you get to read it, I read it first. And before you were entertained, I was entertained.
This is for those of us who despite how we feel find it impossible to stop writing. The story lives in us. We live to tell our stories.
Hold on. Your system was compromised, not mine, but I’m the one that needs to change my password. Shouldn’t it be the other way round?
Should I even be trusting you with my password? This is the bank tying their biros in the banking hall all over again.
When this storm finally blows away, we should never forget those that tried to stand in the way of justice. Those that put their industry over the welfare of vulnerable women in that same industry.
And let’s not forget those who supported a government that wickedly took away the lives of its citizens.
Practitioners of Kamasutra attest to how pleasurable it is. Users of Kayanmata testify to how enjoyable its product is.
Considering that the intention is similar, shouldn’t we just go for the easier one?
“You’ll never find someone like me”.
First thing first, who told you they were searching for your type? What gives you the impression that they are still interested in someone like you?
I’m sorry. I’m just not used to girls returning my calls.
Interesting. So how many girls have you been calling that didn’t return your calls?
Emmm… Actually… I don’t know. See, let’s forget about that. Where were we?
In the meantime, the police love the camera-friendly generation. They have make investigations easier.
Once you arrest a suspect, go through his camera roll. If you evidence is not there, go to his status on WhatsApp, Snapchat, Facebook, or Instagram. Somewhere, somehow, he will implicate himself.
Be ready to welcome The Wilson J’s 21st Century Nigerian Bible Commentary. I don’t know if I should be telling you to look forward to this or asking you to pray that this is never needed.
Before you say age is just a number, consider dating someone older than you by the exact number of years you are older than your target.
If you still think age is just a number after that, then you should actually go with the older option.
How Christianity evolved to exclude any fear for God and retain only enjoyment of grace, provision, and every good thing is a mystery that is beyond me.
What you say and how you say it is often the difference between a compliment and a catcall. It is often the difference between all the ladies looking forward to seeing you in the morning or walking away as soon as they see you.
At the end, it is up to you to be either a complimenter or a creep.
Since I now know that there isn’t much I can do regarding my finances until either I earn more or the economy gets better, I have decided to focus on what is within my power.
I must get my finance in order.
I thought home-cooked meals will stop in the new week. My mind was that she had done that to be a good flatmate. It seems I might get to enjoy this for a while.
My only mistake is that I ate before getting home.
If my parents found out about me being in love with a teacher, how worried would they get?
Flipping the scenario, if a female student was crushing hard, or in love with a male teacher, how worried should her parents get?
The Bible is so vast that people will find a verse to justify almost any situation.
I doubt if there is any situation someone hasn’t successfully backed up with the Bible. From the mundane to the reverent, pious, sacrilegious, regular, irregular, usual, weird, heinous, kind, selfless, selfish, and everything in between.
The reality though is that spur-of-the-moment decisions never tell the full story. Hardly is anything ever that impromptu.
Knowingly or unknowingly, you are constantly preparing for every moment. Most times, unknowingly.
Is it actually possible to be saying sorry too often? Isn’t that part of ethics, morals, and civility?
Especially when the person isn’t being self-effacing, or abdicating responsibility for something gone wrong.
“The house is burning and the caretaker is calling for it to be repainted.”
That is the easiest way to describe this absurd proposal to rename the country.
Announcing a ban of Twitter on Twitter is like going to someone’s house to insult them. And the someone is an MMA fighter.
At the very least, you should wear a protective helmet before going in.
Hollywood, Bollywood, and Nollywood, the time has come for you to drop this cliche. There are a thousand and one other ways to fall in love. Feel free to go with any other.
My search for a husband has not yielded much result in church. Maybe it is time for me to get professional about it. I need to expand my search to the office.
And that is exactly what I did.
Now imagine your lover doesn’t share your sense of humor. Each time you laugh, they ask, “what’s funny?”
No matter how you explain, they just don’t get it. And whenever you share something you find funny with them, they’ll reply, “and so?” “I don’t get it.”
Can you tell the difference between all three?
Does it even matter which is which? As long as you can get off the floor and take to the skies, does it matter if you are flying, gliding, or soaring?
Once again, in my magnanimous nature, I have done the heavy lifting by researching on how to fix the global Mona Lisa problem.
I hope when this is actualized, the Nobel Committee would be happy to award me the Nobel Peace Prize for my invaluable contribution to humanity.
What do you mean?
After saying Hello, shouldn’t your name be the next thing you say?
You are right about that. Maybe your beauty just stole the words out of my mouth.
Your best bet is to keep quiet and listen to the half gist from wherever you joined. If the opportunity to join in presents itself, feel free to join in.
But do that at your own discretion. Believe me, you don’t want them to wrap up the half gist and make you a full gist.
Honestly, I am still not sure if blessing time is what I’m hearing.
If “blessing time” is the response to “offering time”, then how can “blessing time” also be the response to “testimony time”?
If the immediate thousand people around you all claim something is wrong with you, then it is best you take a second look at yourself.
You might not be getting persecuted, you are just suffering the consequences of your inconsiderate actions.
When I got back to the house, my two gossiping neighbors were nowhere to be seen. So also was whatever little respect I had for them.
This is not over. Instead, the battle line has just been drawn. I don’t know how I would get one over them, but I know I must get my pound of flesh.
On second thought, maybe professional dancers are already tired and want to keep the dancing to a minimum on their special day.
Maybe their pastors and parents warn them to get through the ceremony without excessive dancing. Or just maybe they are so love-struck, that they forget how to dance.
The next people on my manual scan were the protocol team. Look at them in their smart suits. How can your biceps and six-packs be poking your suit?
It is less that they have the biggest muscles around, and more like they bought suits a couple of sizes too small.
It takes a lot of guts or foolhardiness to try and push the boundaries with maximum scammable amount. But if you pull it off, it is worth the effort.
At the same time, if it ever sounds too good to be true, it is probably not true.
With intellectual entertainers though, you might have to stop between your laughter to rethink what you just heard.
It might be on your way home, or even two days later that you remember a line, and it changes your life forever.
With romcom, my head and heart is not stressed like that. The most I have to worry about is will they, won’t they?
I also do not need to think about complicated storylines. And I don’t need to watch my back for creeping shadows while at it.
I have lost count of the number of times I have heard people talk about how they will do things the same way all over again if they had a chance to relive it.
My next question is always “why?”
What you are about to do will make you happy, but at what cost to others?
To love your neighbor as yourself, you must first be considerate. How is my action affecting them? If I were on the receiving end, how would I feel?
By the evening of Sunday, I knew I had no choice but to call Rukevwe. Every bone in me assured me that if this weekend passed without me calling her, I would have blown my chances.
However the dice fall, at least, I would have given it my best shot.
It is so noisy that whenever there is a semblance of quietness, Lagosians get worried. Quietness in Lagos can only mean one thing; trouble.
Teenagers of every generation will always find and create their vices. Hopefully, they don’t cross over into areas of illegality.
Adults taking advantage of their naivety, inquisitiveness, and power imbalance meanwhile will always be morally and legally wrong.
All that came to my mind at that point was that Aproko Doctor would be very proud of this baby. He has been advising everyone to drink water. Especially after they wake up. And here is my baby girl doing exactly that.
More importantly, even while you laugh at me, I can relax in the knowledge that those learning wheels are there to ensure I don’t topple over.
(He that laughs without a broken arm, laughs best.)