How can a person with two umbrellas, whose movement has largely been restricted to where those umbrellas are, continue to get caught up in the rain?
When the sons and grandson of the progenitor of Afrobeat come together to perform for Global Citizen Live, there is only one song that is perfect for the occasion. Water No Get Enemy by Fela Anikulapo Kuti.
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The story I want to write is as much for me as it is for you. Before you get to read it, I read it first. And before you were entertained, I was entertained.
This is for those of us who despite how we feel find it impossible to stop writing. The story lives in us. We live to tell our stories.
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The things you have control over today, can you actually do without them? Can you do without one for only one week?
Pick your habits a little more carefully. Most recovery stories often start with a habit that used to be very much under control.
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Hold on. Your system was compromised, not mine, but I’m the one that needs to change my password. Shouldn’t it be the other way round?
Should I even be trusting you with my password? This is the bank tying their biros in the banking hall all over again.
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When this storm finally blows away, we should never forget those that tried to stand in the way of justice. Those that put their industry over the welfare of vulnerable women in that same industry.
And let’s not forget those who supported a government that wickedly took away the lives of its citizens.
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From movies to real life, one question I am yet to understand people ever having to ask is “do you love me?”
Really? Why do you have to ask? Why? And whatever my response is will you believe me? If I tell you I love you, only after you asked, would that satisfy your curiosity?
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Practitioners of Kamasutra attest to how pleasurable it is. Users of Kayanmata testify to how enjoyable its product is.
Considering that the intention is similar, shouldn’t we just go for the easier one?
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“You’ll never find someone like me”.
First thing first, who told you they were searching for your type? What gives you the impression that they are still interested in someone like you?
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I’m sorry. I’m just not used to girls returning my calls.
Interesting. So how many girls have you been calling that didn’t return your calls?
Emmm… Actually… I don’t know. See, let’s forget about that. Where were we?
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In the meantime, the police love the camera-friendly generation. They have make investigations easier.
Once you arrest a suspect, go through his camera roll. If you evidence is not there, go to his status on WhatsApp, Snapchat, Facebook, or Instagram. Somewhere, somehow, he will implicate himself.
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I don’t think “kind bully” is glorious enough to describe the grandiosity of our president and his loyal, reality-ignoring, alternate-universe-dwelling, merry men.
We can progress to calling him a generous dictator, or benevolent overlord, merry marauder. Or we just might upgrade him to King Bully.
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Be ready to welcome The Wilson J’s 21st Century Nigerian Bible Commentary. I don’t know if I should be telling you to look forward to this or asking you to pray that this is never needed.
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Before you say age is just a number, consider dating someone older than you by the exact number of years you are older than your target.
If you still think age is just a number after that, then you should actually go with the older option.
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This might be a bit of a stretch, but if you ever have to ask if I love you, then I most likely do not.
Or I’ve failed in my love for you.
Either way, I’m not happy you asked.
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How Christianity evolved to exclude any fear for God and retain only enjoyment of grace, provision, and every good thing is a mystery that is beyond me.
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What you say and how you say it is often the difference between a compliment and a catcall. It is often the difference between all the ladies looking forward to seeing you in the morning or walking away as soon as they see you.
At the end, it is up to you to be either a complimenter or a creep.
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Since I now know that there isn’t much I can do regarding my finances until either I earn more or the economy gets better, I have decided to focus on what is within my power.
I must get my finance in order.
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I thought home-cooked meals will stop in the new week. My mind was that she had done that to be a good flatmate. It seems I might get to enjoy this for a while.
My only mistake is that I ate before getting home.
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If my parents found out about me being in love with a teacher, how worried would they get?
Flipping the scenario, if a female student was crushing hard, or in love with a male teacher, how worried should her parents get?
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The Bible is so vast that people will find a verse to justify almost any situation.
I doubt if there is any situation someone hasn’t successfully backed up with the Bible. From the mundane to the reverent, pious, sacrilegious, regular, irregular, usual, weird, heinous, kind, selfless, selfish, and everything in between.
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The reality though is that spur-of-the-moment decisions never tell the full story. Hardly is anything ever that impromptu.
Knowingly or unknowingly, you are constantly preparing for every moment. Most times, unknowingly.
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Is it actually possible to be saying sorry too often? Isn’t that part of ethics, morals, and civility?
Especially when the person isn’t being self-effacing, or abdicating responsibility for something gone wrong.
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“The house is burning and the caretaker is calling for it to be repainted.”
That is the easiest way to describe this absurd proposal to rename the country.
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Announcing a ban of Twitter on Twitter is like going to someone’s house to insult them. And the someone is an MMA fighter.
At the very least, you should wear a protective helmet before going in.
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Hollywood, Bollywood, and Nollywood, the time has come for you to drop this cliche. There are a thousand and one other ways to fall in love. Feel free to go with any other.
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My search for a husband has not yielded much result in church. Maybe it is time for me to get professional about it. I need to expand my search to the office.
And that is exactly what I did.
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Now imagine your lover doesn’t share your sense of humor. Each time you laugh, they ask, “what’s funny?”
No matter how you explain, they just don’t get it. And whenever you share something you find funny with them, they’ll reply, “and so?” “I don’t get it.”
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How come people only say everything happens for a reason when something bad, dare I say, devastating, has happened?
Why is that not their response to a piece of good news? Or don’t good things also happen for a reason?
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Can you tell the difference between all three?
Does it even matter which is which? As long as you can get off the floor and take to the skies, does it matter if you are flying, gliding, or soaring?
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Firstly, do you know the difference between a tooth and teeth? Do you know how teachers will insist you use the right one each time you were referring to them?
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Once again, in my magnanimous nature, I have done the heavy lifting by researching on how to fix the global Mona Lisa problem.
I hope when this is actualized, the Nobel Committee would be happy to award me the Nobel Peace Prize for my invaluable contribution to humanity.
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What do you mean?
After saying Hello, shouldn’t your name be the next thing you say?
You are right about that. Maybe your beauty just stole the words out of my mouth.
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Your best bet is to keep quiet and listen to the half gist from wherever you joined. If the opportunity to join in presents itself, feel free to join in.
But do that at your own discretion. Believe me, you don’t want them to wrap up the half gist and make you a full gist.
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With hindsight, Nigerians would have been grateful for a sidegrade on Jonathan. By 2024, they would curse the president if he turns out as a sidegrade on Buhari.
Meanwhile, those who got paid to promulgate this propaganda are either in government, too rich to care, out of the country and away from this mess, complaining louder than everyone else, or dying in silence because of pride.
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Honestly, I am still not sure if blessing time is what I’m hearing.
If “blessing time” is the response to “offering time”, then how can “blessing time” also be the response to “testimony time”?
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I still fondly remember the first time you said you love me. It was like time stood still.
I could hear a butterfly land on a flower’s petal a thousand miles away. The blue color of the sky looked freshly painted, to a point of exaggeration. If a pin dropped at the other end of the earth at that point, I would have heard it.
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If the immediate thousand people around you all claim something is wrong with you, then it is best you take a second look at yourself.
You might not be getting persecuted, you are just suffering the consequences of your inconsiderate actions.
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When I got back to the house, my two gossiping neighbors were nowhere to be seen. So also was whatever little respect I had for them.
This is not over. Instead, the battle line has just been drawn. I don’t know how I would get one over them, but I know I must get my pound of flesh.
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On second thought, maybe professional dancers are already tired and want to keep the dancing to a minimum on their special day.
Maybe their pastors and parents warn them to get through the ceremony without excessive dancing. Or just maybe they are so love-struck, that they forget how to dance.
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The next people on my manual scan were the protocol team. Look at them in their smart suits. How can your biceps and six-packs be poking your suit?
It is less that they have the biggest muscles around, and more like they bought suits a couple of sizes too small.
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It takes a lot of guts or foolhardiness to try and push the boundaries with maximum scammable amount. But if you pull it off, it is worth the effort.
At the same time, if it ever sounds too good to be true, it is probably not true.
