My search for a husband has not yielded much result in church. Maybe it is time for me to get professional about it. I need to expand my search to the office.
And that is exactly what I did.
What do you mean?
After saying Hello, shouldn’t your name be the next thing you say?
You are right about that. Maybe your beauty just stole the words out of my mouth.
When I got back to the house, my two gossiping neighbors were nowhere to be seen. So also was whatever little respect I had for them.
This is not over. Instead, the battle line has just been drawn. I don’t know how I would get one over them, but I know I must get my pound of flesh.
The next people on my manual scan were the protocol team. Look at them in their smart suits. How can your biceps and six-packs be poking your suit?
It is less that they have the biggest muscles around, and more like they bought suits a couple of sizes too small.
By the evening of Sunday, I knew I had no choice but to call Rukevwe. Every bone in me assured me that if this weekend passed without me calling her, I would have blown my chances.
However the dice fall, at least, I would have given it my best shot.
She went on to regale me with the latest news on the blogs. I think all of our gossip sessions can be summarised thus, “Nigerians are crazy.”
And apparently, the couple that gossips together stays together.
How long do I have to wait before I come up in someone’s scan? Not just someone, but in the scan of a guy that is my kind of guy.
I never thought of this before, am I my spec’s spec?
They were calling me boss, stud, G, main man, and other macho salutations. If only they knew that all my head was doing was thinking up possible pick up and start up line.
Rather than tell her yes or no, I asked her if she has a problem with Tomi staying with me. Hannah innocently said no.
I would have totally believed her, except that she has been trying to ruin our little alone time by endlessly bringing up Tomi.
I find this revelation so funny, yet enlightening, that I can’t even be upset with mummy for starting marriage talk with me this morning. This made a lot of sense.
She took my palm, and using a pen, she wrote down her number.
“Call me when you remember what it is you wanted to talk to me about.”
With that, she turned around and strutted back to join her mates.
I got back to the sitting room and met Tomi and Hannah giggling like sisters sharing a secret.
I had taken a long bath, thinking up ways to split the girls without getting either of them upset. My head had come up with nothing.
They had caught me. Truly, I was lost in thought. But how can I tell them I was thinking about how to get a husband?
Hold on. They were the ones that put this thought in my head. I wasn’t thinking about getting married until our discussion yesterday.
The second girl said Rukevwe was actually on the dance floor too. Again my heart sank. She must have found the boy she was looking for and began dancing with him.
Hannah too, someone that never wants any PDA, now she is asking for a kiss in front of company.
My village people are working on my case overtime. This is the worst setup of the century.
Who would have thought that my parents would ever ask me about my boyfriend when they had spent their whole life ensuring no man comes near me?
The time has come for me to take my “toasters” seriously.
Immediately she was done, the D.J started his main duty. P-square’s busy body was the hit song of the moment. There was no better song with which to start the party.
These witches have succeeded. The Coven have had their way. How in the world did Tomi and Hannah get home before me?
Why do they look content? Who cooked? Why are they eating together?
My enemies have finally gotten me.
We the International Association of Backstabbers want to solemnly remember one of our patriarchs this Easter season.
Our hearts and minds go out to Mr. Judas, the son of Iscariot.
Students from other schools must be wondering, “what is an SSS1 student doing being the quizmaster?” While my schoolmates would be asking, “why is this boy who isn’t in our club the quizmaster?”
I never thought about something. What happens if Hannah and Tomi got home before me?
No way! Heavens forbid bad thing. Those two girls should never be left alone together.
We the family of late Mr. Sale would like to thank the writer of last week’s PSA for their kind concern.
What you did is something no one has bothered with in the last couple of decades. From the bottom of our hearts, we say a big thank you.
If these boys won’t let me in, I might as well accept my loss and leave now. They better hope they never cross my path in this school.
If I ever get a chance to exact my revenge on them though, it would be excruciating.
With all traces of sleep out of my eyes, I turned to face the wall. It was either that or I get out of the room. Tomi thinks she is still a skinny kid. She doesn’t know her body is now a serious temptation.
I really didn’t think this squatting arrangement through.
Dear Mr. Sale, I don’t know who you have offended in this life, but I can’t help wondering why people keep reminding you that every piece of property doesn’t belong to you.
Until this day, I am still not sure why I ran downstairs. It is not as if I had spoken to her before.
Until today, I had only seen her twice. Once at the church when her family was introduced to the congregation, and the second time was when she, her mum, and her siblings visited my house.
I have considered giving Tomi some money to go out on Sunday. Having Tomi around during our personal time is one Hannah won’t find comfortable.
If only her boyfriend was in Lagos. Maybe I should hook her up with one of these guys that have been disturbing me for her number.
It seems like street owners, town planners, and real estate developers are becoming extremely lazy in naming their facilities.
You have ample time to come up with a name, yet somehow you still end up going with Unity Close and Unity Estate.
Every Friday, after school hours, my friends were engaged in something called “The Big Ballers League”.
It involved students from my school and a few schools around. They met at a football field and have their respective teams engage in a league format competition.
Tomi said she is happy to cook and enjoys doing it. According to her, the way to a man’s heart is through good meals, and she intends to practice with me until she gets married.
Nigerians all over the world, no matter how angry they are with the country, still love its people. When they see anyone that shows any sort of respect, admiration, and love for the country, they begin to ride with you.
Don’t dye your hair three colors and expect us not to stare. We need to be able to tell if you are looking good or ridiculous.
If you left your home with the intention of looking stunning, why are you then surprised that we are stunned when we see you.
As I shook hands with Pastor Tega, I looked behind him and saw an elderly woman and three delectable, effervescent, and beautiful young ladies. They were in the company of our outgoing pastor’s family.
They will likely hold this grudge until another incident blows over it.
Whatever the case might be, I didn’t ask anyone not to try getting at Tomi. But I actually pity whoever has the balls to try though.
I will not liken Nigeria’s ruling class to the devil. He must be wondering where they got their own heartlessness from.
Either way, if you must go dining with the Nigerian devil, don’t do it from Nigeria.
Or at least, get out of the devil’s lodge and dining table before you start fighting him.
Don’t these people read books? Don’t they watch movies?
In which storyline does this have a happy ending? Couldn’t they wait until we are done with our current pandemic before they go “probing”?
Eventually, Henry, our class captain had to send out everyone who wasn’t a member of our class.
I don’t need to say it, but the magic of Valentine was dead. Cupid probably sat atop a cloud weeping.
I was expecting someone to say that. And it most definitely had to be Paul. The only thing he loved more than football was the ladies.
Any match day he failed to show up here, you can be certain he had a lady with him at home.
Nigeria is battling an active insurgency in the Northeast region of the country. The soldiers involved in that corridor have complained of insufficient armories. Including bombs.
Yet the government is unleashing the same bombs on its own population.
Did you propose and they turn you down? We buy rejected engagement rings. And if your proposal was accepted but the ring is too big or small, we buy that too.
The closer we got to Valentine, the more desperate guys got about getting a girlfriend. That was the only way to get an invite.
The girls in the class meanwhile knew they held all the aces. They were quite finicky about accepting any propositions.
Fast as lightning, I jumped out of the bed and ran to the sitting room. It seems Tinu forgets that she is a lady, a pretty one at that, sometimes.
She is the one temptation I dare not fall for.