I thought home-cooked meals will stop in the new week. My mind was that she had done that to be a good flatmate. It seems I might get to enjoy this for a while.
My only mistake is that I ate before getting home.
DEPUTY GIRLFRIEND
Deputy Girlfriend tells you the many tales of my experience with my good friend who isn't exactly my girlfriend. It is easier to just call her my deputy girlfriend.
When I got back to the house, my two gossiping neighbors were nowhere to be seen. So also was whatever little respect I had for them.
This is not over. Instead, the battle line has just been drawn. I don’t know how I would get one over them, but I know I must get my…
She went on to regale me with the latest news on the blogs. I think all of our gossip sessions can be summarised thus, “Nigerians are crazy.”
And apparently, the couple that gossips together stays together.
Rather than tell her yes or no, I asked her if she has a problem with Tomi staying with me. Hannah innocently said no.
I would have totally believed her, except that she has been trying to ruin our little alone time by endlessly bringing up Tomi.
I got back to the sitting room and met Tomi and Hannah giggling like sisters sharing a secret.
I had taken a long bath, thinking up ways to split the girls without getting either of them upset. My head had come up with nothing.
Hannah too, someone that never wants any PDA, now she is asking for a kiss in front of company.
My village people are working on my case overtime. This is the worst setup of the century.
These witches have succeeded. The Coven have had their way. How in the world did Tomi and Hannah get home before me?
Why do they look content? Who cooked? Why are they eating together?
My enemies have finally gotten me.
I never thought about something. What happens if Hannah and Tomi got home before me?
No way! Heavens forbid bad thing. Those two girls should never be left alone together.
With all traces of sleep out of my eyes, I turned to face the wall. It was either that or I get out of the room. Tomi thinks she is still a skinny kid. She doesn’t know her body is now a serious temptation.
I really didn’t think this squatting arrangement through.
I have considered giving Tomi some money to go out on Sunday. Having Tomi around during our personal time is one Hannah won’t find comfortable.
If only her boyfriend was in Lagos. Maybe I should hook her up with one of these guys that have been disturbing me for her number.
Tomi said she is happy to cook and enjoys doing it. According to her, the way to a man’s heart is through good meals, and she intends to practice with me until she gets married.
They will likely hold this grudge until another incident blows over it.
Whatever the case might be, I didn’t ask anyone not to try getting at Tomi. But I actually pity whoever has the balls to try though.
I was expecting someone to say that. And it most definitely had to be Paul. The only thing he loved more than football was the ladies.
Any match day he failed to show up here, you can be certain he had a lady with him at home.
Fast as lightning, I jumped out of the bed and ran to the sitting room. It seems Tinu forgets that she is a lady, a pretty one at that, sometimes.
She is the one temptation I dare not fall for.
After our argument on cooking, I didn’t want to come off as a “longer throat” so soon. That would guarantee her winning me.
Casually, I walked out of the kitchen unbothered.
As much as I know Tomi and I would be targeted for their gossip, they were the ones I pitied more. Tomi is not one to take bottom-barrel behavior lying low.
I helped Tomi in moving the rest of the load to the car, and finally, we said goodbye to her former home.
With all I hold dear, I hope this experiment does not blow up in our faces.
“See, remember all I have told you. I won’t accept any baby if the father has not paid your bride price.”
“That is why there is condom” Tomi’s dad interjected.
“Please ooo. I don’t want anyone reducing my daughter’s bride price.” She said with an air of finality.
For goodness sake, why didn’t they think of bride price before agreeing to their daughter moving with me?
Eventually, it was time to sleep. I had a big day ahead of me tomorrow.
Wait. Am I not supposed to inform my landlord that someone was moving in with me?
I’m tired.
It was much later that Tomi told me that night was the first time Daniel called her since they broke up.
In the midst of all this palaver of convincing Hannah to let Tomi stay with me, I forgot something just as important. I forgot to tell Dan about Tomi’s debacle. How do I even begin?
Yes, I know the normal phrase is Bros before Hoes, but there’s no way I am going to describe Tomi as such.
Now how do I describe Dan? Daniel is someone I have known all my life. We were inseparable as kids and he knew Tomi through me.
According to her, since Tomi was like a sister to me, she’ll be giving us some “Sisterly Rules”, made with sisterly love, and having non-sisterly consequences.
Immediately Tomi left my house, I called my girlfriend, Hannah. She told me she was still on the way from work, so I asked to meet her up at her house.
I wondered how her London based boyfriend felt about all this.
This is how I got stuck (or blessed, depending on how you view it) with a roommate (or “deputy girlfriend” as I like to call her).