In Defense Of The Nice Guy (Sincerely Yours)
Why exactly is there a war on the nice guy? Why don’t people trust whoever calls himself a nice guy? Should young boys aspire to not being nice? Most importantly, is it true that there are no nice guys?
Growing up, what I wanted to be more than anything else was a gentleman. Believe me, I really wanted it.
I read books on the subject matter. I read every newspaper piece that had a headline like “5 ways to speak/act/dress/whatever like a gentleman”.
In my opinion, whatever else one achieved, being a gentleman, was just as important.
The funny part of it was that I wasn’t doing this for the ladies. That is one thing people think. They believe nice guys are simps who would do anything to make a lady like them.
In truth, a good percentage of guys’ activities centers around ladies, but not everything.
In my teenage years though, I saw a growing fascination with the archetypal “bad guy“.
From Nollywood to Hollywood, everyone was in love with the bad guy.
In reality though, I do get their argument. It is fun hanging out with the bad guys.
The ceaseless flirting with danger, the will he, won’t he? The fact that everyone else wants to have him. It’s all fun.
But we ignore the downside though. Flirting with danger will sometimes leave you on the wrong side of it.
Will he, won’t he? Sometimes, he will when you don’t want him to. Other times, he won’t when you need him to. At a point, we need to call it by its proper name. Inconsistency. Unreliability.
In truth, I am not against the bad guys. I also hold no grudge against those that love them. My beef is against those that have issues with the nice guy.
If the “bad guy” can proudly proclaim that he is a bad guy, why can’t the nice guy do the same?
Wait. Let us skip out on who you’d love to date and marry. Let us talk about the next generation.
I have heard women talk about how parents need to raise their sons better. How they need to teach their sons to be gentlemen, respectful, emotionally available, and kind.
If that is not a definition of a nice guy, then what is?
And if you expect future parents to raise sons like that, what makes you think previous parents haven’t done the same?
You keep saying there are no nice guys because you keep falling in love with guys pretending to be nice.
One question for you though, is it actually impossible to be a nice guy? Whatever your answer is, why?
I know my parents didn’t raise any bad guys. I know the adults around me didn’t contribute to creating an emotionally manipulative, mentally unstable, and romantically noncommittal fellow.
If you think there are no nice guys, what exactly do you expect from a nice guy?
Wait. I need you to actually list them out.
How many of the things on your list can be taught and learned?
How many have to do with your personal desires? Kindly delete those.
I am not saying you don’t deserve someone who will do that for you, but that doesn’t make him a nice guy. That only makes him your spec.
And I hope and pray that you find a nice guy who does that for you.
Now back to your list, which items on that list are things you can glimpse on someone before getting committed to them?
Did you lookout for these signs before saying yes to the last guy you dated?
Two things I should quickly touch on. Firstly, people change.
The fact that someone who appeared to be a nice guy switched up on you doesn’t mean he was never a gentleman before.
As a matter of fact, if this has happened to you repeatedly, then you need to ask yourself, “what is the common factor?”
Maybe it’s you. It might be a place. It could also be some other people.
But honestly, it is most likely you.
You can’t treat people a certain way and expect a different response. If you treat a gentleman like an uncouth fellow, you will end up bringing out the “bad guy” part of him.
Secondly, the fact that some guys pretend to be gentlemen doesn’t invalidate other gentlemen.
If you are not the common factor, then it is possible you are easily duped.
Just as financial fraudsters can tell if someone will be an easy victim, romantic fraudsters can also tell.
If a guy knows you have a picture of an ideal guy in your head, he tries to adjust himself to be that. Does that mean no guy out there actually fits the profile of your ideal guy?
The last evidence that a nice guy is not a mythical creature like a unicorn, just ask other guys.
If you ask a guy in the midst of an argument, he will likely agree with you that there are no nice guys. But ask a guy if he knows any of his friends that is legitimately a nice guy, and he would tell you yes.
Why? Because amidst us, we know the guys that even when they stand to gain nothing, they will still go above and beyond to ensure you are fine.
Tell me again if that isn’t a nice guy.
Ask a guy if he has a friend that he is sure would never mess up in a relationship, and he most likely knows one guy like that.
If you would be a fair judge, you probably know a guy like that too. But he is likely not your taste.
So what exactly are you looking for?
As someone who is unashamedly and unreservedly a nice guy, I feel it is time we start getting our dues. If you meet a fraud, name him for what he is.
There are ladies who are frauds too. We don’t use that brush on all women. We take our losses and move on. Learn to do the same.
And please, I beg you with all that is holy, stop abusing the kind-hearted nature of gentlemen.
For goodness sake, someone motivated Ric Hassani to sing “Thunder Fire You“. Who is more gentlemanly than Ric Hassani?
That guy is a gentleman’s gentleman, yet y’all still ran him street.
And tomorrow, you will come and complain that there are no more nice guys.
Abeg, no let thunder fire you.
And your friends.